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Recovery tools & reading guides

Practical ways to reflect, one step at a time.

You may be trying to change a behavior, make sense of a relationship, or work through a book someone recommended. These short guides offer a place to start and questions worth bringing into a conversation.

Benjamin Raskin, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist · California LMFT #165600 · CSAT-C (CSAT Candidate)

Use what fits. These are educational starting points, not a test or a prescribed sequence. You do not need to identify with a particular label or buy a book to use them. Keep private notes off this website; nothing here asks you to submit personal details.

Man writing in a notebook at home

Four starting points

Small practices for real questions.

Each exercise is written for this site. Take what is useful, skip what does not fit, and bring difficult or confusing parts to a qualified professional.

For the person changing behavior · 01

When an urge feels strong

An urge can narrow your attention until the next choice feels automatic. The aim here is to create a little room before acting, not to pretend the feeling has disappeared.

  1. Pause and name what is happening: “I am having an urge.”
  2. Change your immediate setting if you can: stand up, leave the device, or move to a shared space.
  3. Ask what you need in the next 20 minutes: food, rest, a walk, or contact with a trusted support person.
  4. Make one choice that supports your goal, then review what helped afterward.

Question to consider: What was happening before the urge, and which response gave you the most room to choose?

If a pattern repeatedly overwhelms your plans, individual support can help you build a more specific plan.

For the person changing behavior · 02

Notice a pattern without shaming yourself

Looking closely at behavior is easier when you describe events plainly. Responsibility and curiosity can coexist.

  1. Write down one recent situation in a few ordinary sentences. Avoid explicit details.
  2. Note what was happening before it: a feeling, thought, conflict, time of day, or setting.
  3. Describe the choice you made and its effect on you or others.
  4. Identify one point where a different response might have been possible.

Question to consider: What is one change in support or routine that would make that different response more possible?

This reflection is not a diagnosis or a substitute for a personalized assessment.

For relationships affected by secrecy · 03

Accountability is more than reassurance

“Trust me” may be sincerely meant, but it cannot carry the weight of repeated harm by itself. Accountability becomes visible through actions over time.

  1. Name the behavior or broken agreement without explaining it away.
  2. Listen for the impact without asking the other person to reduce their reaction for your comfort.
  3. Choose one specific action you can follow through on, such as keeping an agreed boundary or getting appropriate support.
  4. Return to the agreement later and say honestly what happened.

Question to consider: What action would someone be able to observe, rather than simply believe?

The person harmed gets to decide what feels safe and whether repair is possible. This guide does not ask anyone to stay in a relationship.

For couples · 04

Make a difficult conversation more workable

One conversation cannot resolve a betrayal. A modest structure can help two willing people understand what needs attention next.

  1. Agree on one topic and a short time limit before starting.
  2. Take turns naming what you are concerned about and what you need. The listener reflects back what they heard before responding.
  3. Separate questions that need facts from decisions that need more time.
  4. End by naming one next step and when you will revisit it.

Question to consider: Did the conversation create more clarity, or did you need a different setting or support?

Use this only when both people can participate freely and safely. If there is intimidation, coercion, or fear, pause the exercise and seek individual support before trying to work through it together.

Open notebook and pen on a table

Books I often recommend

A companion to the workbooks.

These books offer different kinds of structure. People do not all need the same book or a fixed reading order. I discuss fit with clients based on their situation; you can also use the questions below to decide what you want to ask a therapist.

Early recovery · Patrick Carnes

Facing the Shadow

Often used to organize the early work of sexual behavior recovery. The current edition introduces the first seven tasks in Carnes’s task-based model.

Bring to a conversation: Which part of the work helped you name a pattern, and where do you need support turning insight into action?

See the publisher’s book page ↗

Continuing recovery · Patrick Carnes

Recovery Zone, Volume 1

This book continues beyond the first seven tasks and looks at emotional patterns and coping in everyday life. It can be useful when stopping a behavior has opened up deeper questions about how to live differently.

Bring to a conversation: What feelings or situations are hard to stay with, and what support would help you respond differently?

See the publisher’s book page ↗

Sustaining change · Patrick Carnes

Recovery Zone, Volume 2

A later-stage resource focused on resilience and habits that support a life beyond the immediate crisis. It is a way to think about maintaining change rather than treating recovery as a single finish line.

Bring to a conversation: Which daily practice helps you live closer to your values, and what gets in its way?

See the publisher’s book page ↗

Empathy and repair · Carol Juergensen Sheets & Allan J. Katz

Help Her Heal

A workbook for the person who caused harm, with an emphasis on empathy and the impact of betrayal. The title uses gendered language; the underlying questions about responsibility and care can be discussed in relationships of many kinds.

Bring to a conversation: How can you respond to your partner’s experience through consistent behavior without asking them to reassure you?

See the author’s book page ↗

For betrayed partners · Gentle Path Press

Facing Heartbreak

A resource for people affected by a partner’s sexual behavior. It addresses their own needs, including support and boundaries, regardless of what happens to the relationship.

Bring to a conversation: What information and support do you need for your own wellbeing, apart from the other person’s recovery plan?

See the publisher’s book page ↗

I do not currently offer standalone individual therapy for betrayed partners. I offer couples therapy when it is appropriate and each person can participate safely.

About these recommendations. The books belong to their authors and publishers. This page offers original commentary and questions; it does not reproduce their worksheets, assessment items, or exercises. Book links go to publisher or author pages and are not affiliate links. A workbook can support reflection, but it cannot determine a diagnosis, tell someone whether to stay in a relationship, or replace individualized care.

Keep exploring

What would be useful next?

These resources are educational and do not create a therapist–client relationship. Please do not send personal or clinical details through this page.

Start with a conversation.

Ask about your situation, the kind of support you are considering, or how a workbook might fit.

Let’s talk