Attachment styles—how we connect, trust, and emotionally bond with others—are often shaped early in life. If you grew up with inconsistent, neglectful, or unpredictable caregiving, you may have developed an insecure attachment style: anxious, avoidant, or a mix of both.
But here’s the good news: you’re not stuck with the attachment style you started with. Through self-awareness, healthy relationships, and intentional work, it’s possible to develop what’s called an earned secure attachment—even if your early experiences were far from ideal.
What Is Earned Secure Attachment?
An earned secure attachment is when someone who didn’t grow up with consistent safety and emotional attunement learns to trust, connect, and navigate relationships in a healthy, balanced way. It’s called “earned” because it’s something you consciously build, often through therapy, self-work, and supportive relationships.
People with earned secure attachment tend to:
- Feel comfortable with closeness and independence.
- Trust their partner’s love and commitment.
- Communicate needs directly without fear or guilt.
- Regulate emotions effectively, even in conflict.
5 Steps to Building Earned Secure Attachment
1. Understand Your Current Attachment Style
Start by identifying whether your patterns lean anxious, avoidant, or disorganized. Reflect on:
- How you react when someone pulls away.
- How you feel about relying on others.
- Your comfort level with vulnerability.
Awareness is the foundation for change.
2. Practice Emotional Awareness and Regulation
Insecure attachment often means your nervous system is on high alert in relationships. Learn to:
- Name your feelings without judgment.
- Use grounding tools (breathing, mindfulness) to stay centered.
- Respond, rather than react, during emotional triggers.
3. Seek Out Secure, Supportive Relationships
We heal in healthy connection. Surround yourself with people who:
- Respect your boundaries.
- Respond consistently to your needs.
- Communicate openly and kindly.
If this isn’t available in your personal circle, a therapeutic relationship can be a powerful substitute until you can build it elsewhere.
4. Communicate Your Needs Directly
Instead of hinting, withdrawing, or over-pursuing, try saying clearly:
“When you didn’t call, I felt anxious. It would help me if we could check in before bed.”
Direct communication creates safety and trust over time.
5. Work With a Skilled Therapist
Attachment wounds run deep, and healing them often requires guided, compassionate support. Therapy offers:
- A safe space to practice vulnerability.
- Tools for rewiring emotional and relational habits.
- A relationship model of security that you can internalize.
The Takeaway
Earning a secure attachment isn’t about becoming “perfect” in relationships—it’s about becoming more grounded, open, and confident in love. Even if your early years were filled with instability, your future relationships can be built on trust, safety, and genuine connection.
If you’re ready to start this journey, know that you don’t have to do it alone.
Healing your attachment style is possible—and it can change every relationship you have, starting with the one you have with yourself.